An extremely brief summary of what has happened:
I moved to Utah a little more than a year and a half ago. It all started with me having the urge to volunteer for the Santa Barbara workshop. The volunteers would do Skype calls and coordinate the positions they were going to have. That being said Flavia and I would Skype more often, we found out that we lived closed together and were over joyed with the idea that there was someone else who had similar beliefs to talk to. We also included Cameron in our conversation because she was another volunteer and we all hit it off. That being said Cameron and I seemed to vibe with each other so much that we would Skype until 4 in the morning. In one of our many Skype calls Flavia, Cameron and I randomly said that we had had the idea to move to Utah. In that moment it was just a crazy idea that we all had but soon we all learned that Teal needed volunteers and our silly idea turned into a WTF just happened moment.
Flavia and I traveled together to the Santa Barbara workshop. I was so excited to meet Cameron in person and for the workshop, this was my first real taste of freedom. Cameron suggested that I stay with her because she had an extra bed and at that time I was a student living in my parents house. The day of the workshop came and I got to meet Teal in person for the first time. If you asked anyone I was with, they would of said that I was glowing that day because I was so happy. Everything seemed to go flawlessly that was until that night. Cameron completely blew me off after the workshop and so I did not have a place to stay. I ended up staying with Flavia and her Brazilian crew. I did not pay much attention to that one event with Cameron because I was used to pacifying events and pretending that nothing had gone wrong, little did I know that that event would be a small taste of what I was in for.
The day after the workshop Teal held a book signing were I asked her if it would be a good idea for me to move to Utah. She said “yes” without any hesitations, as a matter of fact she said “yes” the three consecutive times I asked her. So I decided to moved to Utah. It felt so right for me and so in alignment that I said it would happen in two weeks and it ended up happening in those two weeks. I was on cloud 9 when I got here, it was the first time I had experienced adventure, freedom and independence, not only that I was going to finally do something that was in alignment with my beliefs. We moved to Utah as volunteers to help Teal with household tasks so she could focus more on her work. After a few weeks of getting here everything started to take an interesting turn. This guy I had met as Jared was saying that his name was now Fallon. Cameron who I had gotten to meet through our Skype calls kept insisting that she wanted to leave, however she would never actually do it and would change her mind about what she wanted to do everyday. That being said things did not stop there, Cameron was constantly having issues with Teal. Cameron said that Teal reminded her of her mother. In my opinion, Cameron was looking for a parent to nurture her and love here, but the only way she knew how to get that was through creating conflict. I can assure you that Teal was the very opposite of cruel to Cameron, she would spend hours working with Cameron on her shadows only to start again the next day because Cameron seemed to have a new issue. At the house we coined the term “going back to square one”.
Cameron was living on government handouts and claimed unemployment and never seemed to be happy, there was always something wrong with someone or something. It became apparent that Teal and Cameron could not be together because Cameron would always find a problem. We had moved here to help Teal focus on her mission and with Cameron’s problems, Teal was spending less time on her mission and more time on interpersonal conflicts within the community itself. That being said we only truly lived with Teal for two weeks at her house because during that time she had her Santa Fe Workshop. As everyone knows Justin, Flavia, Bonnie, Cameron and I all moved to an apartment close by. Even in the apartment Cameron seemed to have problems. Because she was not working and claiming unemployment checks, she was always home and so there was always one of us talking to her working with her trying to find a solution never to really find one. It came to a point were everyone was just done with the situation. We had a family meeting one night and decided to find a solution once and for all.
Cameron was the only one who had problems with the way things were going and wanted to move out everyday that is why it seemed like a logical solution for everyone for Cameron to move back home since that is what she said she wanted to do everyday. Cameron however did not think the same way, although she insisted everyday that she wanted to move back to Washington she thought it would be a better idea to kick everyone else out of the apartment. Thank God for Flavia holding half of the lease otherwise I think all four of us would have surely been out on the street. When Cameron decided that yes she did want to move out we all started to learn some every interesting truths. We found out that Cameron had been lying to each of us and started rumors to get us against each other. For example she would tell Teal that I was just like the lady that was with Selena, that I was an obsessed freak. Then she would turn around and tell me how much Teal was just using me and taking advantage of me. It was so sad to find out all of these things because of what we had developed before moving here. Cameron was the first person I actually bonded with over all of the spiritual new age stuff, she was the first person I could freely talk to about the new age movement.
It was an intense period of my life when all of that was happening. It seemed like I was on a roller coaster ride and had accidentally sat down backwards. That being said I am only now getting clarity of what really happened. Cameron was the shadow of my mother, someone who is emotionally unstable and says one thing one day and then another a different day. I have not personally watched the interview that Cameron did but I have heard that she spoke of me very poorly; the funny thing is she sent me an email after she left saying the opposite. Cameron’s actions feel very abusive to me, it feels exactly like being abused emotionally but not being able to show anyone. Cameron frequently flip-flops between hating people and loving people. That is why I have decided to make her email public, and you guys can make your opinion about it all.
About a month and a half ago, I had a couple of dreams in which you specifically expressed some very ANGRY, FRUSTRATED, and HURTFUL actions and sentiments toward me in the dreams. It was powerful enough in the Astral World to make me think these dreams were actually a reflection of how you might still feel towards me . I waited till now to write this to you, because at the end of the day, forgiveness is really only ever about forgiving ourselves. I had my work cut out for me in that regard. Over the course of forgiving myself these past couple of months for everything that happened in Utah, I recognized that I never validated your feelings or gave you the apology I feel you deserved. I was too caught up in justifying my own actions and running scared from my own shadows before I left. I am ashamed of my treatment toward you. I’ve actually even cried about it since then. My actions were cold and uncaring. I didn’t even seem to show that you ever mattered to me or that I mourned the loss of you at all… I did though. Especially when I remembered the late night google hangouts we had… I missed your laughs. I missed your sage insights, I missed your sweet hugs, and believe it or not, I even missed your hands. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry that I misunderstood you and ever made you feel like anything less than the appreciated, wonderful, beautiful soul you are.
I’m still learning how to love people in this incarnation, and admittedly, I’m not very good at it. I really don’t have any references for loving relationships in my life that don’t end up hurting. I hope someday that will change. Just know I love you as much as I am capable of loving. Also know that it is not nearly as much as you deserve to be loved.
My hope is that someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me, because forgiveness really does set you free!
I will always appreciate the time spent with you, and the lessons learned, so THANK YOU!!
Email From Cameron
Overall, I would not change the situation I am in for the world. Although there was that small bump in our community, this has been one major universal gift for me. I live with a group of people who have the same spiritual beliefs as I do. Everyone in this community is willing to listen to each other and work towards a common goal. After Cameron left, the community became peaceful. Here I have found a family, a family that is willing to work with me through my shadows. Teal has become the sister I never had, she has shown me connection something I have never known before. I have gotten to see what it looks like to have unconditional support and approval from parents by being here to see Winter grow up. At points I actually find myself feeling jealous of Winter because of the way he gets to grow up, it just makes the gap in my reality that much bigger.
My life has changed drastically since moving here but in the best way ever. I feel more integrated and free to be myself than I have ever felt before. I am not going to say that it is always rainbows and balloons but it is family a real family were we are together not because we have to but because we want to.
I have grown tremendously since coming here, people back home probably would not recognize me, which secretly I would love to hear. And I honestly look forward to whatever is to come because I now feel like I have a support system. Living in this community and with Teal has shown me that my world is a lot bigger than I though it was. It is also a lot more magical than I could have ever dreamed of, I am so thankful for Teal and the community she has built.